What's it like to be me?

I am not okay - even how many times you say I will be. You also told me not to overthink, but I wish you have told me instead how not to. You even told me I was not trying hard to be optimistic, but you never know what's it like to be me.

You don't know what's it like to have unstable emotions; what it's like to feel to be in the dark and cold, neither the feeling of being lost and empty. I always wish I am like anybody else, whose smiles are genuine, and emanating sunshine. I wish I can walk into the field of flowers without being scared that it might wither when I touch it.

You don't know how scared I am to be me. I am scared that any minute I will snap and hurt myself. I am scared to lock myself inside the cabinet just to atone for being me - a disappointment to my family and friends. If only you know how scared I am to be left alone, because I know when I am by myself, I might not be able to see the sky again, for I will repeatedly break my wings. 

I never wish to be like this, but before you have known me the world has already broke me. I have tried to put myself together, but even how much I tried it is still there, lurking. I wanted to be hopeful that one day I will be able to only see rainbows and unicorns, and there won't be anything dark or cold. Who doesn't want to be warm and bathe in the sun?

I never choose to have blackholes, neither to be eaten by fear and anxiety. I wish to be a star, so bright and full of hope, but it seems to be impossible. For others, it might be easy because they are radiating with light and color. They are a ball of happiness, while I am only a dust bunny, hoping to be wiped out clean.

It's kind of funny how so many people thought I am strong, but they don't know that I can barely hold myself. You know, I always try to save myself hundreds of times, but everytime I am able to, another trap is laid for me. Sometimes, I even wonder am I really meant to stay in this world and be loved, because most of the time, I feel like I don't belong here, and I don't deserve any love.

So, please don't tell me that everything will be okay, because you have never known my place. You are not inside my head, neither you have blackholes that eat you alive.